I had another really bad night last night and have woken up completely disgusted in myself and really feeling I have no choice but to get off this roller coaster.
I have NES and there are nights it's under control and nights it's completely out of control. Last night was the latter. I can always tell how i did the night before simply by my hunger (or lack there of) in the morning when I wake up. Also when I synced my armband it was quite clear the times I was up and also the evidence of an empty container of fruit. Before going to bed the night before there was an entire tray that would feed about 4 people of various fruit, pineapples, kiwi, grapes, melon, etc. in the middle of the tray was a fruit dip of some kind. No labels. The fruit was completely gone with the exception of some red grapes which I don't like. It doesn't take a detective to figure it out. Also there were two empty bags of the Jenny Craig veggie chips. Sure I know what your thinking..well at least I ate fruit, and Jenny Craig snacks. Well that's not how this works. I don't even have a clue what was in that dip as it was not labeled. Last time I spoke with my JCC she told me to log those foods as morning breakfasts. Well If I do that, I will obviously need to starve today to get back on track. Actually I'm tired of trying to chase this. I really am. I'm feeling really defeated right now with about a 2% chance of getting back on track in my mind set. A big part of me just wants off this roller coaster. I have noticed the more vigilant I am about the NES, the more it takes over and I can't just not worry about it, the mind doesn't want to cooperate.
Whenever I bring this up to friends or family I get an array of suggestions, sympathy, but no one fully understands. I have absolutely NO power in this. It is such a helpless feeling and it's actually crushing at time. Many mornings I wake up and I just know I have blown it. It takes all my energy to put it away and just "pretend" it didn't happen. I'm just afraid of this getting worse as I go along. The better I do, the more I sabotage it at night.
I'm not feeling SO low that I would just abandon my diet at all. During the day I am OK. I am safe. Today will be a little difficult and hopefully tonight will be uneventful. I'm going to put this away for now as I don't really have the stamina to fight with it. I don't have time to go to the gym either today so I'm doubly screwed today. I need to regroup and figure out what to do next.